A Snowball's Chance (Lily)

[severussnape]

Severus was the first to reach the dungeon floor. He had eaten as quickly as possible and had all but ran down the stairs to the dungeon hallway. There he had plenty of time. First, Snape mentally kicked himself. He was not hungry now, but he would be later. There was no way the food he had eaten would work for him all night long. It would be especially bad if Lily never came. Then he would be depressed and hungry. It would be like home, he mused silently to himself, though the dark humor did little to soothe his nerves. Then Severus waited, first pacing the halls for a few minutes, then sitting at the bottom of the stairs, then trying to look occupied as a few of the other Slytherins passed by him towards the common room or where ever it was they were going. He did not care, as long as they did not ask too many probing questions. Thankfully, being Slytherins, they knew better.

Doubt began to worry at Snape's mind. What if she was not coming? How long should he wait? That answer was easy, as long as it took and possibly longer. Until the ghosts and prefects dragged him out to the portrait hole. Until he collected dust. Alright, that image was mildly amusing. Severus was considering an idea of a dust covered Snape standing in the hall like a rusty suit of armor, waiting for his Lily for an eternity. It was a rather fitting image. It was almost a shame that he never had the patience for art, or that drawing would be the next thing to go into his journal. If there was a journal that is. The bad thing about books were they were not safe, they betrayed too much to others. Snape was even careful about his potion notes, keeping them where others were not likely to look, in plain view right in his potions book. The Slytherin found himself examining a portrait of a grumpy looking old wizard, when a sound made Severus turn on his heel.

[lily]

This was a mistake.

This was a dirty, idiotic, immoral mistake. And yet there she was -- staring down from the top of the stairs at the familiar patch of greasy hair that made her stomach churn in absolute delight and revulsion. His note was still tucked tightly into her hands, neatly folded and in the same condition it was given to her. As angry as she believed she was, she wouldn’t dare mar the paper that held so much care within its contents with any sort of exerted aggression. She almost thought about turning around then and there, bringing herself into his sight, and then leaving to visually make him understand that there was no hope for this. Things couldn’t be the same anymore. He was going down one path in life, and she was going down another. But the cruelty of such a thing struck her as an act that only people like Narcissa or Bellatrix would commit. Lily wasn’t cruel… especially not to him.

Dinner had been grueling and long. She barely touched her food. Her friends attributed the loss of appetite to weariness -- “Oh Lils, you work too hard. You should go rest.” But how could she sleep in a state like this? No. That wasn’t the question. The question truly was: Why was she even considering doing this? Those two years ago, she left with full intention of never speaking to him again. What she didn’t want to admit was the regret. The guilt had begun to eat at her, and every request Severus made became harder and harder to deny. And now, she couldn’t deny him. Dumbledore’s words sank heavily into her heart as he announced dinner was over. She stood and slowly sauntered over to the desired meeting place.

… And here she was.

Lily hesitated. She wanted to call out to him; but, that would make her sound like she was considering taking him back. She wasn’t… was she? She didn’t know. The whole situation caused her mind to muddle and her thoughts to mix every which way. All she could really understand was that she was meeting him here to give him a chance to speak to her again. No decisions had been made. Perhaps she should leave it at that, to calm her nerves.

Then again, maybe she shouldn’t have been here.

Lily sighed quietly and tilted her hair, as her deep red curls bounced from her back to over her left shoulder. She rubbed the Head Girl patch on her robe in a mechanical way, and began traversing the steps down toward him. Almost immediately, like a hawk, he was at attention and facing her, eyes attentive, nervous, delighted and paranoid all at the same time. That boy could be a million things at once. Lily refused to smile, or give away any emotion in her eyes. When she reached the bottom, she kept her distance from him, clenching the note in her fist gently, but firmly.

She stared at him expectantly. “Mister Snape,” she said formally, with a bit of ice on her breath, as her hands made their way to her front to clasp each other, with the note in between them, visible for him to see.

[/center]

[severussnape]

“Mister Snape,”

Miss Evans, that was what he should have said. It was what his mind had told the mouth to say. Severus looked at the girl, her red hair easily the brightest thing in this dingy room and suddenly everything was both wonderful and torturous. She was there, but now what. "Lily," he said, forgoing the formality in his utter happiness on seeing she had come. "Miss Evans," he then corrected, a moment too late. This was it. Severus suddenly hated that he knew so little on what to say. The strange part, he had not really planned anything past this point. Quite honestly, he did not really believe Lily would not come at all. His dark eyes drank in her gorgeous green eyes, not sure if this would be the last time he would ever see them this close ever again. His mind began working frantically.

"Thank you for coming," Snape said, uttering words that he hardly ever spoke. He then thought of images he had seen of more civil families. Lets see, on inviting a guest into a home, one usually found a comfortable place to sit before going too far. That made sense. Who would want to stand around a hallway all night? Where could they sit that was comfortable. Perhaps he should give her a choice of some sort. There was a family visiting room off the hall for when parents came to visit, perhaps that would do. There was also the kitchens in the ground floor, though that might be noisy. To many elves. Would you care for a seat came to mind as a question, but it sounded lame. How to word this? "We have a visiting room in the hall we can use." Okay, not the best, but at least it was not all stuffy and fake like the kind of grand welcome Malfoy was overly fond of.

Snape watched her, wishing he was better in his Legilimens, for he had only started trying to learn the elusive art. She was unreadable, the same mask he often used when trying to evade, well mostly everyone. He tried to look just as neutral, but for once, this was a most difficult task. Lily was his life and she was here. There was a bounce to his step that should not have been there, a shine in his otherwise cool dark eyes. It was as if the egg had cracked and a brilliant gold light was shining through the fault. A very slight, but very perceptible change. Severus was already thinking of other ways to see to her comfort, hoping desperately that she would stay and be with him, perhaps even hear him out and even Merlin forbid, start talking to him again. There would need to be drinks, and perhaps even light snacks. Surely, the room was attended by an elf. There was one the last time Eileen came over for the mandatory parent teacher visit. She could refuse, but the offer had to be there.

[lily]

Formalities, formalities, formalities…

Would you like a seat? Oh, yes, the weather’s delightful -- I can put the kettle on. Oh, the kids? They’re fine. Would you like a pillow? No, that seat’s fine… Sandwiches? -- Like all of that could make the situation any different. She couldn’t pretend the tension away. Lily couldn’t imagine trying to take any attempt that he would make for her comfort as something that could make this any better. She closed her eyes for a moment when he began to suggest they go somewhere comfortable. The last word fell out of his mouth and she raised her hand, stopping him. “It’s fine here,” she said coolly as her hand brought itself down to her lap again. Immediately after, the other raised, proffering the note. She couldn’t decide whether or not she wanted him to take it. Without her permission, her hand made a decision for her, and tucked the note away into her palm.

After that, there was silence. Lily didn’t know what to say. He obviously didn’t know either. He probably didn’t believe she’d show up, and she was right there with him. She wasn’t in her right mind. If it wasn’t for this stupid, incessant panging in her heart that obliged her to be there, she wouldn’t have been. She would have torn up the note and threw it into a fireplace without second thought. Lily’s eyes fell downcast to the floor, her mind reeling. Should she say something? Was that her duty? Wasn’t that his responsibility? He invited her after all -- didn’t he have a plan?

Lily looked up into his eyes. Her mouth parted slightly, almost as if she were about to speak, before it closed again with a soft exhale of air. There was something about him at that moment that made her feel like she didn’t need to speak. There was something about his posture, even the way he looked at her, that betrayed some sort of feeling of elation. She knew that she could have nodded at him, begun walking, and he would have followed right behind her. After that, things could go on like they used to, with no awkward talk in between.

But did she really want that?

No her mind told her, stern and cynical. He’s chosen his path. He’s gone to a place where we cannot follow. Lily coughed softly, the sudden jerk causing her hair to bounce slightly further over her shoulder. Her eyes started to travel every which way, as she gnawed nervously on her bottom lip. Courage, Lily. She needed to have courage. Get this over with… do what needs to be done, and then leave.

“Severus…” she began, sounding pained as her mind admonished her for being so informal. “What do you want from me?”

[/center]

[severussnape]

“It’s fine here,”

Lily's voice was cold and hard. She seemed irritated by the offer of comforts and Severus relaxed a bit in spite of this rejection. If nothing else, he would not have to play the part of the host. That was simply not him and the idea of having to fit it was too much really. The idea of a pleasant bottle of whatever gone from his mind, Severus began thinking frantically. She held out the note. Was it her intention for him to take it? He would not, Severus had decided, his mind resolute on a decision at last. A moment later, she too had decided to keep it and the note disappeared into the palm of her hand. Oh to be that note, curled in her hand. "Focus", he thought sharply. "You are losing her."

And then the moment of awkward. Oh why did he have to be so ignorant on the finer graces. “Severus…What do you want from me?” Finally, they were down to the matter at hand. There was nothing more for him to do than his one final bid for acceptance. Looking into her eyes, Severus decided his only chance to be open and tell the truth. It was contrary to anything else he does and it was against all that he knew as far as survival in the house of snakes, but it was his only chance.

"Lily, all I ask for is another chance." Severus said, keeping his plea as simple as possible. "Please, I've hated myself ever since that terrible cursed word came out of my mouth." The confession was painful and cleansing all at once. "I have never regretted anything more than I do this." There is was, Lily had listened and Severus had said his peace. "Will you please forgive me?" Snape then added. Before he could stop himself, the boy found himself falling onto his knees. Great Merlin! If any of his house were to come out now, he would really be in deep dragon dung. It was too late though, the gesture was done. Hopefully she would accept him quickly or at the very least reject him quickly and save him from the possibility of being found.

The floor was hard and very cold. It was as if the floor itself was sapping the heat right from his body. It became uncomfortable quickly, but Severus did not dare move. Any chance he had would be ruined if he fidgeted like a first year while she was deliberating his fate. If there was any possibility at all, he had to control himself and allow Lily to do whatever it was she had to do. He fell still, barely allowing himself to breathe, his eyes fixed on her while at the same time, trying not to stare. It was not working so well.

[lily]

It had happened quickly: His plea and his inevitable fall to his knees, begging her now. The cliché was complete. She had never seen him so desperate. Lily couldn’t bear to look at him. She leaned against the wall the stairs were near and kept her line of vision away from his form. Unwittingly, her arms wrapped around her waist and she sighed heavily. There had never been a doubt in her mind that Severus was sorry. She always knew that he was. Lily was well aware of his regret. She knew him. He wasn’t just some bastard who slung the word her way because he held true malice for her… it truly was a mistake. But he didn’t understand how grave it was. And, to her, the very idea that he even associated the word to her was sickening enough. It broke her heart, that in his mind, that word and her visage could mix and intermingle.

Lily couldn’t deny her heart. She cared for the poor git, and leaving him on the floor in that pathetic state was too much for her. She removed herself from the wall and walked to him. She grabbed him by the arms and lifted him to a standing position once more, keeping a gentle grip on him long after she was supposed to. She gazed into his eyes, as her own reflected a pain stricken gleam. “Don’t do that,” she whispered to him. “Groveling never suit you.”

She hesitated. She almost wanted to stay in this position, because it felt natural to be there. But, Lily got control and forced herself away from him. The distance had been limited, however. She stood in front of him, her arms crossed in a half-hearted attempt at looking more angry than she did saddened and in pain. [red]“It wasn’t… like you called me a curse word,”[/red] she began, her voice slow and deliberate. She growled softly in frustration, trying to bring herself to a way of communicating what she was feeling without sounding like a pathetic little girl. It was taking all the self control in the world to keep her from crying.

“I mean, you could have called me a bitch, Severus, and I wouldn’t have cared…” She laughed bitterly at that, her olive eyes glistening slightly at the threat of tears. “It’s a loaded word… People like me…” She stopped. Lily hated that phrase with a passion. People like me -- what did that even mean? How was she truly different from Severus, or from Narcissa? Anyone? Yes, she was Muggleborn, but she accomplished just as much as any Pureblood.

“There are… so many people that hate me,” she dared to begin speaking again, her voice faltering. “Not just me, either… People who are like me. People who would want to see people like me…” She choked, pausing again before painfully mouthing the word “dead” to him. “And it’s in that word. All that hate… is in that word…”

Lily looked away again, eyes burning at this point. She didn’t want to cry. She wanted to always be strong in front of everyone, make it seem like she were made of steel. But the idea of such hatred directed at her for no reason… the idea that people desired to see her lanced on a pike? It hurt. Well, it more than hurt. It scared her. [red]“You might have well just said, ‘I wish you’d go die, Lily Evans.’”[/red] She went quiet after that, still refusing to look him in the eye.

[severussnape]

The next thing Severus was aware of was how intoxicatingly close Lily had become. Her hands grasped his arms, and he obediently followed without even a thought. His knees seemed to cry out in gratitude once off off the cold stone floor. It was a struggle to stand without leaning too heavily on Lily, but somehow he had managed. It was slightly clumsy, but lily did not seem to notice or care.

In a moment, they were very close. They were so close he could smell the scent of her shampoo and the fragrance of her perfume. Vanilla, her favorite scent. Just the very smell of it smelled like heaven to him and Snape relished every second the two were together for he knew it would not last for long. Severus found himself lost in her eyes, memorizing the way she looked, smelled, everything he could before it was too late.

“Don’t do that,” Lily had whispered to him. “Groveling never suit you.”

Severus closed his eyes, taking in the sound of her words. She was very right. Who else would he ever have done that for? It did not matter who he was with or the situation, Severus had never begged anything before of anyone else, not parents, teachers, or peers. Too soon, though, Lily had withdrawn, but only a little. Severus found himself wanting to draw closer again, but able to restrain himself this time. There was no need to startle her and ruin what progress they had made.

Lily began speaking of curse words and loaded words, her voice breaking with pain. The seventeen year old spoke of others like her, who would end up dead because of people like his friends. What could Severus say against this? The usual arguments never worked. It did not matter that Malfoy was the one person who helped take Snape in when most of the rest of the school seemed cold and distant. Dumbledore had tried, of course, but there was something in the old man's compassion that was completely alien to Severus. So naturally, he ran away, not accepting any offers of help. "It was not you," Snape assured her, deciding the truth had to be his only defense once more. "It was my stupid pride. I hated..." he paused, this confession proving to be most difficult. "Having you see me like that." That memory was a fresh and pain filled as ever. Him hanging upside down, his underclothes revealed for the whole school to see. Even worse, they were the gray ones. The one time, he attempts laundry and no one ever bothers to tell him what happens when you put white things in with black things. "


"You might have well just said, ‘I wish you’d go die, Lily Evans." This made Severus look up, forgetting the pain of that day. Lily was trying not to cry, looking as if she might fail. Snape did not know what to do. He never knew how to work with crying. "I do not want you dead." Snape said, letting the truth out one more time. "I would sooner kill myself." The moment he said it, something in it rang true in a way that almost frightened him. Suicide was not something he had ever really considered, but stepping in front of a curse, perhaps that was something he could do. She would not look him in the eyes, though Severus could not tear his gaze from her. This was possibly the last he would see of her and he needed to take every bit of it, even the painful parts.

[lily]

Lily almost wanted to yell at him, tell him that he was doing this all wrong. His honesty was refreshing, but it wasn’t enough. It was all words. She could understand his reasons. It just hurt and nothing seemed to take the pain away. She didn’t even know what she wanted from him. It didn’t feel like there was anything that he could offer to her… nothing that he wanted to offer. He just stood there, telling her that he was too prideful to ever allow himself seem vulnerable. She wanted to yell again. She might have. Lily could feel his cool, piercing eyes staring at the side of her head. It was too much. The pressure, the stress, tension and the emotion - it was way too much. She never wanted this. Small droplets of tears escaped from the corners of her eyes and she immediately wiped them away, as if she were ashamed to be shedding them over someone like him.

“You’ve known me since I was a child, Severus…” she said shakily, feeling her legs begin to tremble. The task of keeping herself upright had suddenly become arduous. “If there was anyone you could have been vulnerable with, it should have been me, right? I mean, did you care so much about your reputation… your stupid pride… to even want to be associated with me?” She turned her face. Lily’s olive eyes locked with his, red and wet. She still was trembling.

“Were you that ashamed of me?” She couldn’t believe those words were coming out of her mouth. Lily quickly covered her face and wiped away the wetness; but, there was no point. New tears formed soon after. It was like trying to stop a river with a towel.

Lily’s arm wrapped tighter around her. She still wanted to yell at him as he stood there. Why don’t you hold me? she wanted to scream. You’re watching me cry. You see my tears. Who cares about the words? Why won’t you just hold me? Lily shook her head and forced herself to breathe slowly and calmly. There was nothing else to do beyond that. It took a few moments, and a long silence in between, before she was calm enough to speak again. At this point, she didn’t care that there were tears. Maybe that would be enough to make him do something.

“I can only imagine how many times your friends have called me Mudblood in private... How many times you laughed with them, maybe? How many times you agreed… even if you were pretending…” Lily fell quiet. The musings she had just touched on left a particularly painful pressure on her chest, enough to make her not want to talk about it anymore.

[/center]

[severussnape]

"It was not about being in front of you," Severus said before he could stop himself. his voice was more passionate than he cared for it to be. "It was about being in front of Potter and Black. I could not be weak in front of them!" Curse him and his stupid mouth. He thought he knew how to be calm and reserved, but Lily was always the one who could push his buttons in a way no others could. Snape began pacing, unable to contain the nervous energy welling up inside of him. He did not know what he had been expecting, but this was not it. Most of him was certain she would never even come and then there was a glimmer of hope that she would come, but that had an unusual fairy tale ending where she accepted his apology and everyone would live happily ever after, as if.

"I was ashamed of my situation," Snape made himself say. "I hated the fact that those two worthless little gits had the best of me." Merlin, this was getting worse and worse. She was now fully weeping and was trying in vain to wipe the tears away. The only girl he had ever known to cry was Narcissa. What did she want whenever she was crying? Severus edged closer to her, both wanting of being closer and afraid of the rejection from this forward move. If he guessed correctly, she would want a hug, but Severus never did the hug thing before. This was so weird. Moment by moment, Snape edged ever closer, so slowly, she most likely did not even see any movement, unless she was watching.

“I can only imagine how many times your friends have called me Mudblood in private... How many times you laughed with them, maybe? How many times you agreed… even if you were pretending…”

A deep intake of breath. She thought he was mocking her behind her back? "I've never.." Severus started, caught be the image of her reddening face and swollen eyes. "They do not approve, but they do not dare speak of you in front of me," he then stated boldly. "They know that I, that I , I love you." They spoke of what a fool he was behind his back, Snape knew this painfully well, but this was not the time. He was drawing closer and closer. Before long, he was as close to her as when she had helped him to stand.

Another step in and she was closer. The heady scent of vanilla once again. Just do it, Snape told himself. Hold her. Finally, deciding he had nothing left to lose, Severus drew her into his outer cloak, letting her head rest against his chest. Now she would know how fast his heart was beating, but it did not matter. Nothing mattered anymore. His life was not his own anymore. It would be hers, or no ones. One hand rested on the center of her back, between her shoulder blades, the other reached for a gray handkerchief to offer the lady. It too was washed with the black stuff, but at least it was not as dingy looking.

[lily]

The moments had blurred together. The idea of time had been lost entirely. Before she had time to comprehend, he had wrapped himself around her, hands on her back, with her head nestled in his chest. And for a minute, she stopped crying. There was an unnatural sense of calm that overwashed her. Lily's mind cleared in an instant, and all that was certain was the dull sound of his beating heart drumming in her ears. It was a soothing sound... a sound she could take comfort from. Unwittingly, her arms wrapped around his waist, and she pressed her entire body into him. Lily embraced him. There wasn't a better word for it. She breathed slowly. He smelled of dry parchment and Wolfsbane. Lily could only imagine that she was the only one that could appreciate the smell.

I love you.

The words hit her rather heavily. It was strange how seriously she was taking that phrase. He probably meant it platonically, and that's probably was how she meant to take it. But there was something about it that made her feel like he really meant it. No. There was no reason for that. He was more meant for girls like Narcissa or Bellatrix, purebloods. Lily was overcome by a sense of nervousness and immediately pulled herself from him, wrapping her arms around herself to substitute the feeling for his own. It didn't work very well.

[red]"I love you too,"[/red] she said, voice conveying itself platonically. She had said things like that a billion times to him. Lily did love him... Like friend, like family, like... No, nevermind. The seriousness of his words blew over her head.

Lily began pacing. Too many thoughts, too many emotions. She was regretting meeting him. [red]"I don't know how we can go back..."[/red] she replied, finally, pulling a hand through her red curls. And she really didn't. Even if they became friends again, they would be forced apart. They really had chosen different paths. No... it was much more serious than that. He had chosen a path that meant more than just going somewhere she couldn't follow. He had chosen a life for himself that lined him with people and ideals that were radically different from her own -- full of hate and wanton destruction.

Her parents were Muggles, and she knew of Muggle history. World War II. Her parents told her of the Nazis, and what they had done to people called the Jews. In so many ways, this was an allusion to that historical event. Severus had wanted to be a Nazi, and Lily was a Jew. One could not ignore the fact that he would be going to a place that would mean the death of her and those of whom she loved and care for. What's more, he didn't seem to realize this. He wanted to have it both ways.

[red]"We're so close to adulthood, Severus..."[/red] she whispered breathlessly, feeling an uncharacteristic fear consume her. [red]"And you still want to be a Death Eater..."[/red] She squeaked out the last bit, as if the title was too painful to say. [red]"How... how could you ever expect that we could just go back to the Salad Days?"[/red] Lily felt tears threatening at her eyes again, but immediately forced them away. She didn't want to break down again. No more meltdowns like that.

She was Lily Evans. Lily Evans was stronger than that.

[severussnape]

Lily had wrapped her arms around him. This was quite easily the closest to heaven Severus had ever been. His cheek rested against the top of her head, taking in this moment . She loved him too. It was like every dream he had ever had, only a thousand times better for this was real. The image was complete with her vanilla scent and her sweet voice. At that moment, Severus wished he could have recorded that, not that there was any real need. He would hear that voice in his head for the rest of his life and possible beyond.

Then it was Lily's turn to pace. Severus watched her, with a curious expression no his face. What could be bothering her. Was it bad that the truth was finally out? Nothing was really wrong, so it had to be something she was feeling, but then the issue came back to haunt them both. Snape was still arranged to be set up as a death eater. That was Lily's problem. It was a big problem, on so many levels. On one hand, Snape was hoping that he could protect her from the inside. Also, he wanted to be strong for her sake and this was the path to becoming a powerful wizard. Lily was not likely to accept these two reasons though.

The third reason might work though. "I can't just leave now," Snape said quietly deciding she might see his life as something more valuable than he himself did. Hopefully, she would care that they simply did not let the hopeful walk out after getting this far, even though he had not yet taken the mark. "They will not look kindly on it. Actually they will be very disappointed." That was the understatement of the century. They would likely kill him before the term ended. Snape walked over to where Lily was pacing, taking a spot on the wall, and leaned against it. So there is was, the love of his life and a death sentence or loneliness, but alive, at least this year. Severus would give anything go back to their relatively carefree days of their early years, what Lily loved to call their Salad days. It was a shame no one could help them.

Head rested back against the wall, black eyes serious as Snape considered his choices, each as good as a death sentence. Quite honestly it was like the choice of get killed or have one's soul removed through the dementor's kiss. It was terrible. At the moment, he wanted to tell her he'd forfeit his life just to be with her a bit longer. Sadly this choice also meant giving up his best and possibly only chance of protecting her as well. So the choice became, both die, or he loses his soul. This was a bit harder. Overcome by this, he slid into the floor, burying his face into his hands. "I don't know what to do," he finally confessed, showing another rare vulnerable moment.

[lily]

Lily’s sadness immediately flushed away. The churning of sadness and pain that swept through her stomach began to boil in a barely suppressed rage. Her hands loosened, and the note, which she had forgotten entirely about, plopped to the floor with a small and uneventful flapping sound. She twisted her head slightly, eyes squinting at him as if she hadn’t heard him correctly. Her entire body tensed, so much so that it was almost painful. She was so overcome by it that she could barely move. Even the very idea of speaking was too much to ask of her. She lied -- she wouldn’t hold the tears back. Lily’s eyes filled entirely with the salty liquid, that held much more malice than they did anguish.

[red]“They would be… disappointed…”[/red] she breathed out calmly, her voice as cold as ice. [red]“They… wouldn’t take it kindly.”[/red] Lily paused. There was only a small thread of self control that was keeping her from going all out on him like she had done two years ago. She preferred it this way, to deliver her distaste in the most calm and collected way… But her voice always betrayed a bit of malice.

[red]“You… you care so much about them that this has to be some sort of huge decision for you? You cherish them so that the very thought of abandoning them makes you feel pained? Oh, Severus…”[/red] Lily shook her head, letting a few stray tears fall down her reddened checks. They were just as red as her hair, now. Any modicum of kindness had left her eyes. This was raw emotion, now. She thought she had felt betrayed before… but now? Now… it seemed even worse.

[red]“You realize you’re being flippant with my life, don’t you? No… No, not just my life. The life of thousands of other people. People like me.”[/red] Her hands reached up to her chest and clenched on her robes tightly. Lily’s eyes searched him curiously, as if she were trying in vain to find the spark of a boy she once knew before. [red]“You are running with people who would love no more than to spend hours using Unforgivables on me.”[/red] Lily’s voice faltered for a moment. The image in her head was gruesome. It wasn’t a subject she liked musing on. Perhaps this is what the Jews felt like? Lily closed her eyes. Severus’ voice was unrelenting in her head. The words he had just spoken rang in her mind, slowly at first, in the small, fearful voice that he spoke them, and then with mounting passion as it turned more and more hateful. She almost didn’t want to believe that he said them.

Lily could barely stand. She walked over to the wall opposite of him and leaned back, letting her hands clench tightly on the cool stone. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to do. There was no way he could truly think that. [red]“I love you like you were my family… My brother. You said you loved me the same way… How is this love?”[/red] Lily’s pent up rage suddenly expelled itself in one sudden, violent action. She turned and punched the wall as hard as she could, barely wincing as it caused her hand to make a painful cracking sound. She could calm down after that, and continue speaking.

[red]“If you loved me like a friend, like family, this would be so easy for you… no second guesses. You don’t know what to do…”[/red] She spat out the last phrase bitterly. She closed her eyes for a few more moments, allowing her mind to clear. When she was seemingly content, she turned to him, approached, and let him see her face as it was covered in red, swollen wetness again. [red]“I understand, Severus. You cherish them more than you do me… I lost Petunia, so I should have expected my relationship with you to not last any longer. Enjoy them. I’m sure you’ll have… so many nice experiences in the future.”[/red]

Lily turned away, and began walking down the hall, away from him; further down into the dungeons, to where she could just think and cry.

[severussnape]

Severus looked up. Far from sparing her feelings he had made it all worse. He just let her talk numbly and then she had run off before his body would be willing to move. He ran, catching up with her with ease. She had to know the truth and she had to know the whole truth. In for a knut, in for a galleon. Gulping air, Snape fought to catch his breath. As soon as he was able, he said the words that he had tried to avoid before.

"They would kill me Lily, That is how disappointed they would be. No one ever leaves." There, it was done. somehow he had missed the several times she had defined her love for him and Snape was still of the mind that she loved him in the same way that he loved her. Still, they did not seem to have any hope at all.

He leaned against the wall again, fighting the rising heat in his body. It just so happened Severus was present for one of these executions. All of the young ones; were for they had made a point of making a lesson out of the blood traitor even as the punishment was being meted out. Naturally, it was made slow and painful for the benefit of those watching. None of them ever talked about it, but that little lesson had forever been a part of each of their minds. When one or the other got a certain look in his face, it was likely they were back there. Severus realized with a sickening lurch that he had fallen silent once again.

"If you leave me, my life is over," Snape finally said numbly. "If I leave them, my life is over. Forgive me if I'm not that eager to run to either conclusion." This said, Severus now found himself wanting to walk away, but he held his ground for one more moment. Nothing in his life had ever taught him to run away and he was certainly not going to start now.

[lily]

They’d kill me…

Lily stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face him. Her expression was wiped of anger or sadness, and her eyes only conveyed a bit of confusion and shock. She understood these people were dangerous… perhaps she should have known that someone abandoning them would be cause for them to be hurt, perhaps even to die. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want any of this. Lily turned toward him and allowed her hands to rest helplessly at her sides. She didn’t know what to say or what to do. She didn’t like how he was going down a path that would mean so many bad things… but she didn’t want him to get hurt either.

Then he brought on the loaded jargon. How his life would be over even if she left. Wonderful, guilt. She loved that. She loved how he decided that she was his whole life. That didn’t make sense. They were just friends, he’d get over it, wouldn’t he? Lily frowned a little and approached him, reaching forward to grab the arm of his cloak gently. She tried to force him to look her in the eye as she gazed over his face.

She always liked his face. It was modest and humble, looking as though it had thought so many times before. He was a thoughtful boy. He was so bright. And although he treated people badly, there were always those moments where he had a bit of humanity to show. He was just afraid. He was always afraid. Maybe he had a reason to be. Then again, he brought himself into this mess, didn’t he? Why should she care?

Ugh, why was she asking that? She always cared.

[red]“We… we could protect you. I could protect you. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you… I mean… I stood up against James for you.”[/red] Lily frowned a little and squeezed his arm before letting go. She felt like a jerk, even though she had every right to feel angry. She wished she could just be strong. This was just as much his fault as it was hers, even more so. She hadn’t done anything wrong, had she?

[red]“You’re… like family to me,”[/red] she said carefully, trying to force a smile. [red]“Like my brother… I’d always protect you.”[/red]

[/size]

[severussnape]

Lily had approached him, and almost unwillingly, Severus looked into her face. He could not help but do so, she was his everything, whether or not she knew that. The typical expression was she was sunshine of my life, but he could hardly use that. He loved her, but cared not for sunlight. She was something far greater. Her face was lovely like a flower. She was his Lily.

We… we could protect you. I could protect you. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you… I mean… I stood up against James for you.”

"This is not quite the same thing," Severus said calmly, regaining his usual composure. "This is bigger than a school bully." His voice was quiet and yet it carried rather well through the hallway. The family comment flew right over his head, as Severus tried to sort out this mess he was now in. "I'm not sure anyone can save me now," he then said. "I did this and somehow I have to..." But what did he have to do? It felt like everything was unraveling. Why did everything have to be so bloody complicated?

It was so wonderful to be with her. If he tried to repent of his evil ways, would she like him better? It was terrible loss of power and possibly even life, but it was certainly worth considering. It was Lily after all. Severus looked into her eyes, half absorbed in her beauty while trying to think out how he this might work, and even if it could work. He could be just delaying the inevitable, or Snape could actually be changing his own life path. Both options seemed terrifying. "Alright," he said deciding he had to get a handle on this. "Lets say hypothetically I do agree to accept protection." He cringed at the last word slightly, but pretended not to notice this. "What would we do?" If Lily had a plan or an actual idea, it would definitely help her side if this odd debate.