A Snowball's Chance (Lily)

[lily]

He was asking questions she couldn’t answer; questions she didn’t know how to answer… as if she had this planned from the beginning, as if this was all she thought about doing. She didn’t know what she was doing. Lily was usually prepared for these sorts of things; but, for once, she was caught off guard. She watched him helplessly and shrugged a shoulder. Her eyes fell down to the ground and her curls slowly fell after. [red]“I don’t know…”[/red] she said. [red] “Perhaps I could?”[/red] Her voice inflected upwards in order to chime in a bit of hope. Lily wringed her hands. She thought about the idea. The result wasn’t good.

Lily could admit to herself that she was talented. That’s what she had been told time and time again. But she considered who she was up against -- these friends of Severus’, Lucius, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and so many others… they despised her. It was her against them. Protecting Severus in that respect was suicide. There was no other way around it. That made her wonder about the future in general. She would be on her own soon. Surely she would run into these people again when she was older? She’d have no one at that point. She was vulnerable, and her talents could only get her so far.

Then, Lily had an idea.

She reached forward and grabbed Severus’ face, pulling it so that he was looking at her directly in the eye. She wondered how serious he was about this, how serious he was about reconciling and removing himself from the group of Death Eaters. He could very well die; but, there were ways around this thing. She tried to smile again, to calm his nerves, but she doubted it would do any good. It wasn’t like he had that much of an effect on him. Well, maybe she did. She couldn’t be sure. Severus could be hard to read sometimes.

Lily stayed silent for a long while. She knew what she wanted to say, but she was too paranoid to say it. She knew he’d hate the idea. That’s what worried her - he would hate the idea so much that he’d refuse outright. Severus was stupid with his pride like that. He’d rather have a sense of dignity, whatever that was, and do what he thought was right for him, even if that meant giving up her. The thought of that almost made her indignant again. She had to quell a small fire in her belly that threatened to rise up again. Lily, for good measure, removed her hand from his face. She kept looking at him though, hoping to draw a small amount of courage and hope from his eyes.

It wasn’t working.

Lily took a deep breath. [red]“Maybe…”[/red] She paused, and took another breath. [red]“We can ask Potter and his ilk to help… they know so many people, and even though Potter can be a bullying Toerag…”[/red] Lily’s cheeks flushed in anger and infatuation. She couldn’t tell how she felt about that stupid boy. [red]“He… he knows to do what’s right. He’d listen to me, too.”[/red] Lily was pleading at this point, trying to make the idea sound more pleasing to Severus’ ears. She knew it wouldn’t work that well.

[/size]

[severussnape]

Severus found himself pulled closer to Lily. This was better then he had dreamed, another heady moment of her perfume, another gaze into her green eyes, and all he had to do was possibly die for it. It was crazy, but right now, it felt so completely right. He watched as she tried to find the answer and then struggled to say what she had found.

We can ask Potter and his ilk to help… they know so many people, and even though Potter can be a bullying Toerag…He… he knows to do what’s right. He’d listen to me, too.”

Severus found himself a bit surprised by her answer. "Potter huh?" he said, trying not to reject the idea too quickly. "I don't know, he does not seem overly serious about anything does he?" He did not need to mention that Potter despises him. It was rather intriguing that he would be the first person she thought of. It was obvious that the boy was heavy on her mind for some reason, either positive or negative. From the sound of her suggestion, it seemed she was not sure herself whether he would be a good person to let in on this or not.

Severus began thinking this out, as if he was coming up with this idea for her rather than the other way around. "Besides, if we really do this, wouldn't an adult be better? Someone from the ministry or a teacher or something?" It seemed that he wanted a chance at all, then he would need powerful wizards on his side, not fellow students, as lovely as the sentiment was. "Who is the strongest wizard out there?" He then asked himself aloud. "Who has any chance of being a force against him, if anyone?"

Severus could not believe he was actually even considering this. It took so much work to get in and now he is facing the idea that all of it was completely wrong? It was admittedly overwhelming. There was a muggle saying when a person has little to no chance at all. Right now, Severus felt like he truly had the same chance as the proverbial snowball.

[lily]

Lily watched him carefully, with a bit of surprise. He was actually considering this? She had to gather herself. She was expecting another fight to happen. She didn’t exactly know how to react to it, but she wasn’t any less grateful for his willingness to listen to her for once. She gave a genuine smile as a small reward. But, immediately afterward, she frowned again, in deep thought. To be honest, she was kind of lying. She wasn’t exactly sure if she could get James to agree to help Severus at all, even if she was the one that asked. Maybe he’d do it on condition, and whatever that was, Lily wasn’t sure if it was something she was entirely wanting to do… Oh, bugger it. Severus was her friend. Of course she had to.

Lily wanted to sigh at that. Perhaps she was a bit too self-sacrificing at times.

She couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow when he suggested an adult. Lily knew he wasn’t stupid, and she would be very disappointed in him if he thought she was. [red]“Perhaps, but if that was the case, then why didn’t you think of going to an adult before?”[/red] Besides, the notion was ridiculous. He didn’t think she could handle this? Maybe she couldn’t, but she was just that close to being an adult herself. She also knew a lot of magic. Many of her Professors could commend to that. And sure, Potter and his friends weren’t exactly the studying type - except for Remus, that lovable thing - but, she had to admit that they were somewhat naturally inclined and talented for boys their age.

What did Snape need more than that?

Severus was always paranoid. That was one of the things that always bothered her about him. He always wanted to double check things and make alternative plans to her own. Yes, usually it was better to work like that; but, how often could you possibly get along living like that? Sometimes you just had to think on your toes, no second guesses. Lily thought it best to humor him, though, since he had been humoring her, even though that was a sensible thing to do. [red]“Dumbledore, I suppose,”[/red] she said, furrowing her brow. Then again, she couldn’t be very sure that a man like him would ever want to get involved in these affairs, as kindly and wise as he was. It was painfully obvious that there was political unrest in the school, and as far as she knew, Dumbledore hadn’t done a thing to intervene.

Lily would have. There was something about allowing hate run rampant through the castle that made her stomach churn, and made her wonder what sick mind wouldn’t feel awful about it either. Then again, that’s probably how the world viewed these things - either they cared, they didn’t care, or they were too afraid to care at all. Sometimes Lily wished she was naïve so she could be blissfully unaware of these things. Intelligence came at a high cost, sometimes.

[severussnape]

Naturally, Severus was watching every move that Lily made. She smiled and then frowned. Severus smiled then frowned with her, before falling back into his passive face with the hopes that she did not see this. He guessed she was happy that he actually considered this and then possibly realized how big this thing was that they were getting into or even how little prepared they were. That was exactly what he had feared. It would be the very uncertain element that could mark the end of his life before graduation. That would certainly not be a good thing.

“Dumbledore, I suppose,” Lily had suggested, as if reading his mind. Snape nodded, letting her know he was there too. At least, halfway there. Dumbledore seemed as if he tried to be a good person, but he was unsure how far the man was actually willing to far as far as the lives of his students. In the past Snape had tried to confide in teachers only to find out they broke all their promises and talked to his parents, making him feel happy and well cared for just long enough to get home and get beaten down again in both the literal and figurative sense.

"Dumbledore would be good, if he cared about such things," Snape conceded. He had allowed himself to half sit against one of the low pedestals along the wall that was currently without bust or vase of any kind. "The trouble is, I'm not quite willing to stick my neck out for something that may or may not be there." He thought intently. "Too bad there is not a way to test him out first before giving him the real thing, just to see whether or not he would actually do anything."

His eyes ever on Lily, Severus leaned forward, taking in her every expression, down to the girl's posture and the way her red hair glowed in the torch light, looking from this angle like living flame. Snape's mind was still thinking over the idea of getting Dumbledore to help. "I wish I knew what his motivations were." The Slytherin then confessed. "I have to admit, every time I look at the man, I get the overwhelming feeling that he is hiding something big, rather like some sort of twisted puppet master or something. I don't know why."

This was a sentiment that Snape shared with few others, even among the Slytherins for it implied a great power on the part of the headmaster. This was something that few of that house wanted to admit even though it was staring them all in the face. It was only the giant elephant in the room, yet so many people chose not to look at it. Surely, Lily, of all people would understand that he was praising or condemning the man, but only seeking an understand beyond the one he already had, which was very little and misshapen.

[lily]

Sometimes, Severus was too reflective for his own good. He was musing ways of getting help, and now he was trying to find a philosophical way of understanding the muddled mystery that was Albus Dumbledore. And while Lily would have loved to humor this notion later on, now just wasn’t the right time. She almost wanted to slap him across the face and tell him to focus. But, you know, Lily just wasn’t like that. She paced some more and sighed deeply, looking absolutely helpless. He was being difficult. This should have been easy. She knew that with anyone else, this would have been easier. [red]“I suppose so,”[/red] was all she could muster in reply.

Lily looked over Snape, seemingly disappointed. [red]“What do you mean you aren’t willing to stick your neck out?”[/red] she asked, feeling her hands clench tightly again. The fire in her belly was rising again. She didn’t know if she wanted to stop it this time. [red]“I don’t get you anymore. It’s like you don’t even care if I get hurt while you save your own skin.”[/red] Lily sighed heavily and crossed her arms.

Honestly, she couldn’t really relate to his position. In fact, she couldn’t even understand why he had joined that stupid little group in the first place. It was one of those mindless moments he had -- but even then, what even lured him to make such a decision in the first place? Severus wasn’t stupid. She knew he wasn’t. He thought this over and he understood what their position over muggleborns were… and he joined anyway, despite the fact that his best friend was a muggleborn. Having to remind herself of that fact every few seconds hurt her more and more.

Perhaps this boy was a lost cause. He obviously didn’t care about her.

[red]“Why did you do this?”[/red] she finally asked, finding that she didn’t know what else she could say.

[severussnape]

"I said, I'm not quite willing to stick my neck out for something that may or may not be there." Severus repeated, making sure the distinction was made. "Concrete plans are one thing, but laying everything in the lap of someone who might or might not care is a little too uncertain for my taste." He then stood up quickly as Lily said her next thing.

“I don’t get you anymore. It’s like you don’t even care if I get hurt while you save your own skin.”

Was she kidding, did she not know that she was the only person that Snape would even consider leaving them for? Did she not know that she was ironically one of the reasons he allowed himself to get carried along with the other would be death eaters. Snape had tried doing everything short of handing himself over to the ministry with a bow on his head, and somehow it was still not enough. perhaps it was time to throw in the towel.

“Why did you do this?”

Severus had taken a step either towards her or toward walking past her to leave. The truth was, even he was not altogether certain. How many times had they gone over this? How many more times would they have to go over this again? How many other people were condemned over and over again for the friends who had taken them in at the age of eleven? "The need for acceptance for one," Snape said, feeling as if the list was memorized. "The vain hope that I could protect you from within." The second finger moved as of he was counting the ways, though it was done far to many times for this to really be needed.

"The access to spells which would make me stronger. The restoration of my mother's family name after Tobias shamed her into the poverty stricken role of pariah. Shall I continue?" Severus asked this, fighting to keep his voice neutral, even though this was feeling more and more like the inquisition. This was getting nowhere and yet the unpleasantries went on and on. It was almost not even worth having Lily there anymore, though he would never dare say such a thing. Having one regretted statement was already too much.

[lily]

Severus began to list his reasons in a way that made him sound not only irritated, but like he was ready to give up because she just wasn’t “getting it” -- whatever that meant. He was becoming self righteous and it annoyed her. Wasn’t she supposed to be the one in this position? She pulled her hair behind her back, feeling almost tempted to put it up, before she realized she had nothing to put it up with. Anything to divert her anger and keep her calm. It wasn’t working, though. He stopped, looking her expectantly, almost asking “What else do you want from me?” Her olive eyes sparkled for a moment. He wanted to do it this way?

[red]“Power, pride and selfish desire,”[/red] she listed, mocking him as she counted off each word on her fingers as he had for her reasons. All modicum of civility was lost. If he wanted to have an attitude, then she would gain one to match his. [red]“You couldn’t have protected me, Severus,”[/red] she said, hoping that he’d understand this. [red]“And even if you had? Would it matter? You don’t care about Muggleborns. It didn’t matter of there was genocide, as long as I could be exempt.”[/red] Lily shook her head. She didn’t know what to think of that revelation. It was truly disturbing to her. [red]“That’s having it both ways, Severus. It doesn’t work like that.”[/red]

Lily was about ready to throw the towel in. This was going nowhere. He invited her, and he wasn’t willing to swallow his pride. Coming down here was a mistake. Lily gave a bitter laugh that shook her red curls. [red]“Merlin, you know…”[/red] she began, sounding almost astonished at herself. [red]“I used to have the biggest crush on you, ever since we were kids. You never treated me like a freak that my sister did. Gods, I cannot believe I was this stupid…”[/red] That almost wanted to make her cry. The words she had spoken were the honest truth, she really did used to like him that way. It broke her heart in more than one way when he shouted “Mudblood” at her all those years ago.

Lily turned her back to him, letting her arms wrap around her waist. [red]“I don’t know if you ever just really considered me to be a pet or a possession… Something. But I just…”[/red] She stopped there. There was nothing to say beyond that.

To be honest, Lily didn’t even know what to say beyond that. What she was feeling was beyond words. She couldn’t find the right way to describe it. Nothing felt right. So, it would remain unsaid.

[severussnape]

Lily's angry words washed over Snape. It was the same old dance just like every other time they tried to talk together. Why did this never work? Then Lily said something that really struck him to the core. “I used to have the biggest crush on you, ever since we were kids. You never treated me like a freak that my sister did. Gods, I cannot believe I was this stupid…” She used to love him? It was possible then that she loved him still or would again, for love like that did not disapperate into the air when it became inconvenient. Severus was living proof of that.

"You are not a freak," he then said, addressing this old insult. "You are beautiful and magical and that was another reason I allowed myself to be recruited." It was the one reason he had never spoke of until now. "They spoke of wizards rights. I thought we would be freeing people to truly be themselves and unafraid of their magic or what muggles thought of them." It was no use though, all the words were so pretty, but they hardly ever matched up with the scenes he had already seen. Once again, he began to consider the possibilities.

Lily turned her back to Snape and he looped his arms around her waist. She did not stop him or move away. This was a good sign in spite of the usual words they had exchanged. Then Lily said something that struck like an arrow to the heart. “I don’t know if you ever just really considered me to be a pet or a possession… Something. But I just…” What could he say in return to this. He always seemed to do best when he was the most truthful, so it was time to give it one more try. "I try to love you, but my only role models, they do not offer much guidance and..." And he did not know what he was doing. Those were the unspoken words.

When he was close to her, it was so much easier to consider the idea of doing as she wanted and just leaving them. He had to be quiet about it. He shared a common room with them for the love of Merlin. It would be a bit like going double agent for a short time, at least until graduation when they got the mark and he would not. There was something about the challenge that sounded interesting and the best part, he would have Lily back. "Alright then," he said, whispering right in her ear. Snape could not risk anyone hearing what he was about to say next. "If you promise to stand with me, I." A momentary pause. "I will go talk to him." There, if that did not make her happy, nothing he could ever do would ever make her happy.

[lily]

There was a jolt, and then a prickle. It crawled up her spine and burgeoned forth, like wildfire, through the rest of her body until very bit of her skin was tingling and whatever hair she had on her stood. Lily froze in place, rigid in his arms. She didn’t expect that. A quick inhale - his mouth was at her ear, whispering softly as though he were murmuring sweet nothings. She couldn’t hear what he was saying. It came in jumbled and dulled. There was this sense, and his words. He said that he loved her, again. She didn’t hear it. Lily felt him say it.

After that, for whatever reason, she panicked.

Instinctively, Lily pulled away from him. She turned, looking him directly into his blackened eyes. Her cheeks were blushing, just as red as her hair. She looked shocked, as if he had just told her that her parents were killed. For a few moments, Lily struggled to speak, a few hums coming from her mouth as her mind tried to grasp at words. Everything that had been spoken of prior had been forgotten. Even the fact he had succumbed to her wishes was overlooked. Her heart raced in both excitement in fear. [red]“You…”[/red] she began, but quickly stopped. She was still having a hard time comprehending this.

For all those years, Lily had always looked upon his gauntly nature as something endearing and precious. In a maternal sort of way, she wished to take care of him. But he was much more than that. She had known him for so long, and he had always been so loyal and attentive to her needs. Who wouldn’t have developed a crush? However, with Lily, romantic feelings were suppressed in fear of rejection. Whether she liked it or not, Lily always knew that there was a difference between she and Severus. He was born into a world of magic and enchantment; she had discovered it, by pure luck.

Lily forced herself to be calm. Her cheeks were still inflamed. She felt like a little girl again, shy and yielding to the emotions of others. She almost wanted him to touch her again; but, she would never ask. [red]“You love, love me…”[/red] she exhaled, feeling herself surprised that the phrase came out of her mouth.

So much for being one of the brightest witches at Hogwarts.

[severussnape]

Lily had pulled back from Snape and looked at him with an expression Tobias had called "Like a deer in the headlights." Then again, Severus could hardly blame her. The pronouncement he had made was huge and the fact that she seemed to understand this fully was somewhat of a comfort. "You," she had said and then fallen quiet. He remained silent. It was obvious this this great news would take time to digest. surely, Lily would be thanking him soon.

“You love, love me…”

So much for his moment as hero. Snape was disappointed and slightly bewildered for a moment. Then the thought occurred to him. She had to be in some form of shock. Perhaps that was why she was unable to grasp the big news, focusing only on his love for her. Severus imagined that poor mind, alone and confused, but huddled in the safe harbor of his feelings for her. It was enough of a happy idea to keep him calm as the boy tried to think of the way to help Lily come to a moment of acceptance. After all, none of this meant anything without the one person he was doing this for.

But how would he help Lily to recover from this. Funny, the first thing that came to mind was the offering of food once more, but that did not work before and so that idea was easy abandoned. She had pulled from him, making a hug a bit awkward. He could go there if she seemed to want one though. Lets call that plan B. for now, he had to just keep talking to her, something safe, something unrelated to the death eaters or blood lines or any of the war. The love seemed safe, but it already something she was clinging too. It seemed wrong to continue it, though Severus did admit that more than part of him wanted to do just that.

But what was there left to say? Talking about school stuff seemed petty after this. Pretending that he had career plans was too much of a lie as asking her about her was forced and contrived. "Lily," The boy said quietly, wondering where she was at the moment. This had been quite easily one of the most difficult conversations he had ever had. What was he supposed to do now? Severus found himself completely speechless, something that irritated him to no end, though his worry for Lily was greater, at least for the moment.