a pain that i'm used to --* severus snape

[severussnape2]

20 July 2011

In general, I hate journal writing. I used to, when I was younger, but I learned quickly that thoughts put to paper can be used against me. Nevertheless... When I entered the Room of Requirement, it seemed to think I needed some help organizing my thoughts.

It started with Peeves. Honestly, you'd think he'd leave me alone for five contiguous minutes, but apparently not. I entered the fourth floor student common room in an effort to escape him, narrowly missing a couple of well-thrown eggs. Thankfully, Peeves doesn't seem to be able to go in there, but that's about where the benefits of that room end. As if I need more trouble... that inter-house common room seems like a breeding ground for petty rivalries and inter-house intercourse. Honestly, watching Bella snog Rodolphus is like witnessing a dangerous animal devour its mate alive. Rather disgusting, if you ask me.

I'm venturing a bit from the point, but I suppose I'm just avoiding it. When I came in, Lily was there, as well as a few other people. The most notable of those other people was Diana. I haven't spoken to her in a while, and, though I attempted to, she seemed to be in one of those moods, concentrating on whatever it was that was going on in her mind. Nevertheless, I must remember to catch up with her.

The most... salient... event of the night, was the conversation I had with Lily. If you can call it that. She started staring at me strangely, and I tried to ignore her, but she was being so obvious about it that I said something nasty to her. After that, the conversation rapidly got out of control. I was already in a horrible mood, and that and her stubborn insistence on using that awful pet name "Sev" was more than I could handle. I almost, almost called her a Mudblood again, but stopped myself, which had her calling me a coward. She went to great lengths to get me to pay attention to her, but I have no idea what sort of reaction she expected from me, since the both of us only seemed to get more angry. When it all became too much for me, I tried to gather my things, but she grabbed my arm. That was when things really spiraled away from me... Reflex had me shying away from her, but she grabbed both of my arms then. It was already uncomfortable since we were arguing, but my father grabs me by the arms like that, and I felt trapped. Threatening to hex her probably wasn't the best solution, but what could I do? I was furious at her, and she refused to heed my warnings and attempts to end the conversation.

I was going to do it, too. I envisioned myself in detention for weeks, but I wasn't bothered by those consequences in the slightest. But in the end, I just couldn't find it in me to hurt her, even if I wanted to.

So, without a word I left and came here. The Room of Requirement can be quite peaceful... even though I feel like a mess. I can't get Lily-

(the writing stops abruptly, as if the entry was interrupted)

[severussnape2]

25 July 2011

Lily told me I was just like my father. I can't believe it.

If there is any topic that is completely off-limits with me, and always has been, it is my father. Of course, Lily doesn't know the extent of my... abuse... at his hand. But that hardly matters, seeing as she knew enough.

I came to the Masquerade with Hannah, mostly because she is a transfer, but also because she didn't seem to expect me to do any nonsense like dancing. In fact, we'd planned on getting food and leaving to play Wizard's Chess... That didn't happen.

I greeted her at the entrance to the tent and she looked a lot better than I'd expected, though nowhere near as stunningly beautiful as Lily had been. But I digress... as I was leading Hannah towards the food and telling her all about how I was going to trounce her at Wizard's Chess, Lily caught sight of us and absolutely freaked out. She began yelling at me, accusing me of... something. I'm still not completely sure what her problem was, though it apparently had something to do with my date. At any rate, as she continued to make a scene, and as Hannah and I continued to attempt to diffuse the situation, a crowd gathered. Lily's awful attitude had me getting angry at her, and as our shouting match continued I began to feel more and more trapped.

Finally, the absolute end of our argument was when Lily accused me of being like my father. Shocked as I was to hear her say that, I said nothing and I just walked out. To say that, in front of all those people? I had to escape that place.

I suppose I shouldn't have left Hannah there, but honestly? I didn't even think about her. I literally felt nauseous by the time I got out of there, and I hardly wanted to vomit on her, or let her see me vulnerable whatsoever. Suffice it to say, I don't value her companionship that much. I don't regret my behavior, and if she decides to hate me, then so be it.