the solace amidst insanity\\Diana Hunter

[elvishbanana2]

July 18, 2011

Dear Diary,
I thank my lucky stars yet again for this spell that lets me dictate instead of write things down. I’m still trying to improve the spell to respond to my thoughts- but that’s a subject for another day. I’ve already gotten a headache from wondering over it today.

Today I had the rather auspicious pleasure of meeting Bellatrix Black. Her sister, I’m told, is far nicer- and far less… blunt. Normally I get along tolerably at least with other Slytherins, but there is something about Bellatrix that rubs me the wrong way. She could easily have fit in with the Gryffindors- all action, no thinking, no planning ahead. We spoke in the fourth-floor common room today. Well, I say we spoke- bickered is probably a little better term. She snapped at me, I snapped at her- I admit I don’t think much of her. That Rodolphus Lestrange, however, is a different story. He seemed nice enough. I was a little bitter when he mentioned my having seen him around- I can’t stand that phrase. But he seemed genuinely sorry for it, and more than a little embarrassed. When Bellatrix came in, it seemed to distract him quite a bit. I feel a little sorry for him, having a girl like that intent on monopolizing him.

Later today I met some kid called Harry- an idealist, by the sound of him. Kept going on about how Slytherins and Gryffindors can be friends. I blamed him for those idiot seventh year Gryffindors- got some help from a Chaser named Alex. Of course the whole time Harry was moaning about his parents being killed, and how everyone has some good in them. Rubbish, the whole lot. But he’s got guts, I’ll give him that. Facing down three Slytherin girls at once- that’s no cowardly act. And it was three, because in the middle of our discussion, who should pop in but Miss Sunshine herself? Harry made the mistake of calling the Dark Lord a half-blood. Whether or not it’s true is anybody’s guess, but Bellatrix took offense. The idiot Gryffindor kept at his story, though, and I knew it was going to be a mess if he kept talking. So I warned him off- eventually the fool listened to me, just when some Hufflepuff girl named Hannah walked in and insulted Bellatrix. It seems that I was the only level-headed person in the room; everyone else was absolutely furious. Just when I thought she’d wipe the floor with him, Professor Cadmus came in, which was a relief, until he made it clear that he wasn’t… adverse… to looking the other way if she jinxed him. I think it was her sister’s entrance that really diffused the situation. She came in saying something about a nightgown, but she seemed to calm Bellatrix down, even if I couldn’t persuade her to wait for a proper duel to take her revenge. Narcissa Black seems nice, better than her sister anyhow. They started talking about a borrowed nightgown- Bellatrix throwing in the occasional insult about Harry. I was awfully surprised he managed to keep his temper. Something about him seemed a little more… clever… than the rest of his House. So I decided to forgive him- though I won’t as easily forgive the rest of the Gryffindors. While I was writing that in a note, Narcissa and Cadmus started talking. He strikes me as a bit… pedophilic. Luckily for me, his attentions seem fixed on the younger Black sister. Of course, I had to stick my foot in my mouth and make a smart comment about what was going on between the two of them. It made the Chaser girl laugh, but I think I ought to tread more carefully around Professor Cadmus from now on. He seemed to… take offense. And when he grilled me on the comment, who should come to my rescue but the Gryffindor kid! I think I can say this is the one instance I’ve actually been grateful for their chivalry. If it hadn’t been for Potter, I would have been in detention for a month. I played it safe after that, trying to be as respectful as possible. I don’t like Cadmus much. In fact, I don’t like him at all, since he gave me detention every Saturday for the next two months. The Potter kid made it worse, or so he says, but I think I would have gotten in trouble no matter what. I’m to report an hour after dinner every Saturday, and there’s to be another Professor to take over when Cadmus is “finished with me”. Am I scared? Yes, especially considering the pedophilia. My one hope is that Narcissa’s jealousy keeps him from touching me. Supposedly I’m to be writing lines or cleaning cauldrons, or going out into the Forbidden Forest to gather herbs, all of which pose problems for me, though I hate to admit it. My handwriting is horrible, thanks to not being able to see what I’m writing. If I’m cleaning cauldrons, I won’t know if they’re really clean without sticking my hand in- which is never a good idea with dirty cauldrons. But the Forbidden Forest… There are dangers in those woods I can’t face, the worst of them probably getting lost. I can defend myself against magical creatures, but the Forest is magic in and of itself, so they say. Going in there alone will provide a plethora of problems.
Cadmus ended up using Silencio on Bellatrix, which pissed her off- I warned Harry that it was probably safe for him to leave just then; they were so furious with each other that they hardly noticed anyone else. Just after Harry, left, I tried to get up to leave.

Before I found out he was a Gryffindor, I asked Harry about healing spells. He mentioned one I hadn’t heard of before, Vulnera Sanentur. I’m surprised I didn’t know it- maybe even more surprised that a Gryffindor did. It bears looking into- I wonder if Madam Pomfrey has heard about it? I’ll have to ask...

[elvishbanana2]

Dear Diary,

However overused those words are, I don’t have the time or the indulgence to come up with something better. I have to record this quickly- while the dormitory is empty for the moment, I have no idea how long it will last, and it would not be pleasant to have anyone come in while I’m saying all of this. Only thank the stars for this spell that lets me dictate to quill and parchment…

It was utter disaster today. The dreams are back, worse than ever. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks. And possibly the worst part is, there is no one to help me get rid of them. El… Emmelia’s brother used to talk them out with me, make it easier to sleep after then nightmares had passed. But he’s gone, moved on, I suppose. For the most part I just lay in bed, trying to think of anything but what I see.

It doesn’t work.

Anyway- I took a risk. Draco was in the common room earlier, and I risked telling him about the dreams. I got the oddest reaction- he’s having them, too- only his are much worse. I can hear it in his voice when he talks about them. He’s scared, nearly as scared as I am. Luckily for him it’s only the giant snake, and his is alive. Meanwhile I get blood and dead bodies and Hogwarts in shambles, and darkness. Always darkness. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t fall asleep before midnight, just for fear of having those dreams again. It’s funny, but I get the feeling Draco doesn’t… dislike… me as much as he did. I had an excellent time at the ball- I could hardly believe myself, dancing most of the night. A group of Gryffindors in the corner kept making jokes about the blind girl’s dancing skills, saying I’d end up tripping everyone on the floor. They were wrong. It was possibly the most satisfying time I’ve had in years. (Draco, by the way, is a superb partner. I felt like I was floating rather than dancing!) Then, when things were livening up, the band’s pianist had one too many cups of that spiked punch and fainted. So I took over. I never thought Uncle Dmitri's obsession with jazz piano could pay off, but what can I say? It came in very handy that night. I could hardly believe myself! It was fantastic. Not everyone had such a fine time, but I honestly don’t care. I hope they have another one for Christmas. (My only bone of contention was that dress Georgiana picked out; I felt so exposed the whole time, but it worked in the end, so what can I say?)

I keep venturing off-topic. I must stop doing that. While Draco and I were in the common room, we got into a discussion on magical theory. Draco has some interesting ideas- he thinks the reason Mudbloods get their magic is by stealing it from purebloods- who then become Squibs. It’s not a foolproof theory, of course- what do you say about the vast numerical differences between Squibs and Mudbloods? But it’s the beginnings of a very thought-provoking idea. My question is- if Mudbloods, who have no heritage, no purity whatsoever, can steal magic from the rightful owners, why should it be impossible for Squibs to just… take it back? If that’s accomplished, think of the possibilities. Awarding magic to those who have earned it- removing it from blood traitors and Mudbloods. I’ll have to visit the library about that.

Of course, the nice discussion couldn’t last forever. He came in, and to my utter horror, I almost started crying. We argued, of course. El… Emmelia’s brother… has a gift for making me angry. He’s very good at it. There was some girl with him, whose voice I recognized, but could not place. It was like he was showing her off to me, displaying the fact that he’s “over me”. But if he was, why would he try so hard to prove that? He had some nasty things to say about Draco Malfoy, of course, and then his sister came in and he started yelling at her, too. It got awfully loud in there. My hearing is more sensitive than most people’s- compensation for my lost sense. It was awful. And I don’t like to see them argue anyway. They never used to, but now they do it all the time. I like Em- she’s kinder to me than a lot of people. But her brother, whose name I can’t say without choking, he was my best friend. Is it wrong, for me to still want him as my best friend after what happened? Is it wrong to have kept it a secret from Em? Is it wrong to have… feelings… for Draco Malfoy, even after two years? I do not understand any of what’s going on, but my best friend is the root of the problem so I can’t talk to him about it, and I daren’t tell Draco any of it, and I kept it a secret from everyone else.

He said he was trying to hurt me like I’d hurt him. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for him to have led on that other girl like he did? Is it wrong for me to even care about that, now that we’re… now that it’s over? Should I just… let him be, stop being jealous? I probably should- except it’s harder than it sounds. He was my best friend. And he tried to hurt me.

Someone’s coming- I can hear footsteps outside.

P.S. It worked.

Later,

This is awful. I hate drama.

I tried to take a nap today, since I have that free period right after lunch. Normally I use it for independent study- research in the library, and such. But I could barely keep my eyes open in Transfiguration today. So I tried to take a nap. It failed miserably- woke up screaming. Thank god I was alone. I didn’t want to go back to sleep, so I went to the fourth floor common room. That place has become quite the haunt for me. I keep meeting people in there, people I like. It’s not a bad place or idea. But today… well. He was there, of course.

I swear to God, every time we talk lately, the boy makes me jump three feet in the air.

We argued. As usual. It started out relatively well, me telling him about my dreams. He was being rather nice, actually, very concerned about the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well. Then… I don’t know what I said that set him off so much. I mentioned when the dreams got bad… it was around the time the transfers got here. Did I mention that? I can’t remember. Anyway, Eli went all cactus on me, all prickle and no concern for anybody else. I can’t stand it. He’s… he’s my Eli. My best friend, my consummate pal, the one who stands up for me when I can’t do it myself, the one who I drag back out of danger when he can’t keep his mouth shut. He’s my Eli. We go way past “best friends”. I asked him to come back, to be my friend again. I told him I missed having him in my life.

He said no.

He still cares about me. In a way I don’t want to encourage. God, why do I have to have drama in my life? Eli started in on Draco. I told him that either he was my friend and he could tell me things like that, or he wasn’t and I could hex him for it. Then, of course, we started in on the trouble. He kept going on about how he only wanted to protect me. I kept going on about how it wasn’t protection, it was limitation, and possessiveness, and refusal to let me stand on my own. I told him that if I couldn’t have freedom with him, then I’d take it from someone who offered it. Draco does that. Well, I mean… he expects me to be perfect, which is a chore sometimes. Even blind, I still have to be able to hold my own- no. I have to be able to best others. Which is tough on me. Still, it’s better than being babied, right?

Right?

Anyway. We argued about it. The stupid mick had the gall to tell me that, had I given him more time, he would have “given” me my independence. I’m sorry, but there is no one- no one who can take that away in the first place, let alone return what is rightfully mine. He doesn’t get it. He really doesn’t. He thinks- he still thinks that I’m some weak girl, some disabled chit who doesn’t know how to handle herself. He’s wrong- I’ve been working so hard to learn jinxes and hexes and the occasional curse or two. After eleven long years, I can get around without his help. I am not defenseless, I am not weak, and damned if I’m going to let someone I called my best friend treat me as such.

I still miss him.

I don’t feel like talking about this anymore. Let’s see if a Sleeping Charm can cure the nightmares, hm? Somehow I doubt it will be that easy, but I have to try.