the i c e inside your soul,.|

[`narcissa virga black]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 350px; background-image: url(http://i55.tinypic.com/a78ud.jpg); border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; -moz-border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; border: 1px dashed #6E7B8B;] ♥ miss black's logs - - - -- - - - - - - - -june 23rd, 2011, Dearest Diary, I made a promise with Severus today. In exchange for helping me pass my potions, I must memorize and get him the Azkaban numbers off of Professor Cadmus' neck. I should feel no guilt for trying to reveal what is really going on in this school, for revealing what kind of person that man is...but I do. I am a mess lately. For you see, then Lucius made his way in. I feigned disinterest the best I could, but before I knew it he had me pressed between him and window sill. He was so close I could smell the subtle scent of his aftershave and cigarettes. He had no permission to be so close, to have his lips dangerously close to my skin. I may have been unable to hold my tongue and suggested that I disliked kissing...and feared he would violate me. It is hard to pretend not to want someone when their every action makes you want to kiss them and hit them all at once. He offered a sort of apology before her left. I just sat there in confusion and frustration. Poor Severus and Rodolphus, having to witness me like that. Dear Merlin what on earth am I going to do? template by (c) bryberry @ caution 2.0 !

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[`narcissa virga black]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 350px; background-image: url(http://i55.tinypic.com/a78ud.jpg); border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; -moz-border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; border: 1px dashed #6E7B8B;] ♥ miss black's logs - - - -- - - - - - - - -july 17th, 2011, Dearest Diary, I believe, in the long run, this is all Bella’s fault. She’s just so full of herself and last night I caved. I wanted to prove that I could do anything she could (save, of course, flying) do. She pushed me to it, making comments about my nonexistent relationship with one Lucius Malfoy. No one can blame me for downing most her flasks’ contents. Vodka, I think it was. There was someone else there too. Some little Ravenclaw that was annoying Bella more than he was me. I didn’t think it was that easy to become inebriated. Bella left after braiding my hair and promising I could sleep in her bed. I needed that small comfort that only I could get from her. The day before I’d rejected Lucius’ kiss and run across the room to another boy. I was sure, just then, that Lucius would give up on our little probation deal. So when Bella left and he came in all I could think to do was give him back his jacket. I felt so silly, so unsure and wobbly then. I practically sat on his lap, telling him that I wouldn’t blame him if he grew bored because I didn’t like kissing. But then he showed me, just then, that kissing was a fine art and could be be enjoyed with the right partner. Oh dear. He’s still on probation. template by (c) bryberry @ caution 2.0 !

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[`narcissa virga black]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 350px; background-image: url(http://i55.tinypic.com/a78ud.jpg); border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; -moz-border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; border: 1px dashed #6E7B8B;] ♥ miss black's logs - - - -- - - - - - - - -july 19th, 2011, Dearest Diary, What in Merlin’s name am I doing with my life? My birthday came and went without a single soul remembering it. Well, that’s a lie. Mother was kind enough to send me a few coins though I guarantee it’s because she forgot and tossed whatever she had in her pockets into the envelope. All I’d wanted was that white little kitten. I kept the pity party internal for the most part. Whining and complaining to all of my siblings and cousins and friends who had forgotten would get me nothing but a few good guilt trips. Everyone is ever so concerned about the ball coming up. But I did let it slip to Phineas. I couldn’t help it. I needed justification for skipping out on our detention together. Shopping for my own gift with my mother’s money was a small comfort and I did plan on going to see him the next day. But he called me out on it in the communal common room and I invited him to my little pity party. And then I gave him a gift. It was a small set of handkerchiefs with my initials in the corner, so decorated and so small that no one would recognize them unless they knew they were there…or spent a good long time examining the pieces of cloth. I wrapped them in one of my ribbons and slipped it into his hand. It was the least I could do for ruining his. He slipped them into his pocket and reminded me to be in his office the next morning. And I was, bright and early because he’d promised me breakfast. He seemed surprised and I felt excited that I finally had the upper hand over him. I took my shoes off and made myself quite comfortable in his chair…before we settled in for a much needed session of snogging. I chastised him about forgetting my breakfast and he promised to call an elf to bring it up, but I had to hide in his bedroom. It all made sense, honestly. So I stood up and slipped into the other room. But I hadn’t had the upper hand. There, in the room, was a small table set for two with glasses of mimosa and fresh fruit. And in the middle of it all there was a small cat bed with an even smaller white kitten nestled inside. It had bright blue eyes, like my own, and a rather conspicuous emerald and diamond collar. My heart melted. He joined me for breakfast, cradling me close and pausing in between bites for kisses. After a bit, I couldn’t help it. I had to ask about his prison sentence. Severus and I made a deal, but I can’t go through with it any longer. Phineas is a death eater, just like Bellatrix and just like Lucius. I have to protect him and I have to protect them all. And everything seemed pretty much perfect between us, with the exception of the kitten’s name. He favored Nemesis while I preferred Echo. It didn’t matter, though. We were happy. Echo wouldn’t stay with me, though. She had the spirit of adventure and Phineas kept finding her trying to get into his rooms or actually in them, making herself quite at home. I could hardly keep an eye on her. The next evening Lucius finally presented me with my birthday gift and card. He’d purchased another kitten for me, not knowing I’d already received Echo. This one I named Nemesis. He asked me to the Masquerade, finally. Everything seemed downright perfect. But then, all of sudden Phineas burst in with Echo in hand. He chastised me, rather brutally, for the cat’s behavior and then for mine as well. He threatened Lucius, taking me down a few pegs. I tried to be sweet and then I tried to be sour, but he wanted neither from me. So I left him alone. But I had to defend him again as the a few other, inconsequential and stupid students started to try and unravel him and discover his mystery. He didn’t care about that either. And then, when we were almost alone, I made a rather subtle offer to visit his office that night. It was so perfectly normal sounding that I was proud of myself. He made it rather clear that he didn’t want me there and wasn’t interested in making another…appointment, if you will. Well. I suppose that’s the end of that. template by (c) bryberry @ caution 2.0 !

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[`narcissa virga black]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 350px; background-image: url(http://i55.tinypic.com/a78ud.jpg); border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; -moz-border-radius: 70px 5px 70px 5px; border: 1px dashed #6E7B8B;] ♥ miss black's logs - - - -- - - - - - - - -july 27th, 2011, Dearest Diary, I’ve been avoiding you, I believe. At first it was because things were going so very wonderfully and I just didn’t have time and then things turned so bad I didn’t want to reflect on them. I should start with the Masquerade. Lucius and I arrived in our outfits looking rather classy if I say so myself. There was no dancing, no excitement though. I was so disappointed at that- I love dancing. Lucius and I stood there and just looked on while some sort of bizarre fight began and then ended. There was nothing to do but drink punch- which tasted horrible. I downed several glasses and before long I began to think that telling my Phineas just how badly it tasted would be a wonderful idea. I sidled on up to him, trying to look rather smooth, and let him have it. I had to be informed that my punch had been tainted with alcohol. He always has a way of making me feeling naïve. He began to escort me back to the castle, but then nudged me towards the forest. I followed him willingly and let him push me against a tree to administer some well-deserved kisses. I love the way I fit against his body when we do this, our fingers tangling in each other’s hair and clothing. And I soon discovered that my body fits perfectly into his when we waltz. He provided the dancing when an entire school’s worth of people could not. And then we went up to the castle so he could sober me up further with the help of a potion. I sat in his lap and pressed my body to his in a most wonderful way. I didn’t want to leave him but then he made an amazing suggestion- I return to him that night to curl my body against for bed. It’s always been a habit of mine; I sleep better with someone else in my bed. It had always been Bella when I was upset but now she’s too busy with Rodolphus to see to my whims. With one last kiss I returned my mask to my face and ran back to Lucius- who had fallen asleep after drinking copious amounts of the tainted punch. I finally got to dance with him as well and he walked me back to my room. I changed and made my way, secretly, to my Phineas. And then…and then it all went downhill. I was doing so will with keep my mind clear when he began to say things. But one evening… I was so upset with Bella and Lucius and Roddy for their stupid actions about this Death Eater thing that I made mistakes. I let it slip that my Phineas was one of them but he let it slip that he was married. How could he do that to me? Perhaps I was a little girl he was angling into his bed while the wife was away. Perhaps he was just an adulterous dog. That night I needed Lucius. I want him to hold me and kiss me and treat me tenderly. That became my habit for a week and I loved it. He’s different, in bed, then Phineas. He’s almost afraid to touch me- he slept on the floor the first night. He doesn’t snore, either. His bare chest is different- more muscled but not as broad. However, I think they wear the same cologne. And I was a terror in the mutual common room. I found myself constantly in Lucius’ lap, spreading my legs obscenely and behaving like a tart and insolent student to the point where my Prefect’s badge was threatened. He showed no remorse for his actions. I avoided him every moment I could, refusing to go to class and copying work from everyone else to hand in. And then one evening I was bringing him my papers when he stopped me. I had never felt so bad in my entire life; evening the evenings with Lucius wouldn’t distract me. I cried and wanted to hit him, to demand justice. But I couldn’t. All I could do was ask for an explanation and then let him take me in his arms. “If I think you’re perfect and you think I’m perfect, then we’re perfect together.” He was married but is now divorced. He’s all mine and that’s all that matters. I do hope he ignores my bout of jealousy. I may have told him I wanted her head on a spike, though I don’t think I’ve ever been that vicious with words in my entire life. And for the first time in what felt like forever, I shared his bed. I used one of his shirts as a nightshirt and curled into bed with him. And for the first time in a week, Echo reappeared and cuddled. She must have been affected by our fighting as well. And there was one more thing. One very, very large thing that occurred that night. He loves me. He said it. And would you like to know something, dearest diary? I said it too. template by (c) bryberry @ caution 2.0 !

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